(March 7, 2018) Castorian government officials met in an emergency session today to determine whether their country could reasonably declare victory in the extended struggle with its once powerful southern neighbor.
For several decades, Castoria has led an
international coalition seeking to regain economic and political territory from
the U.S. under a calibrated plan to, as one senior strategist put it, “stand
back and let the Americans destroy themselves.”
“Denying each other health care, selling guns to anyone who wants one, engaging in endless military adventures, politics built on racism, reality TV, and institutionalized poverty,” the unnamed official said. “These forces have been gaining ground against American interests for years, but in the last twelve months, they combined with others to make a significant and likely permanent breakthrough.”
The
“Stand-back-and-do-Nothing” approach has been a core Castorian principle since the
country’s founding 150 years ago, but the strategy required determination while
witnessing the devastation of unregulated subprime mortgages, mass shootings
targeting children, a heaving U.S. national debt driven by paranoia, borrowing
for investments in the apparatus of destruction, and the unmitigated and growing divide
between rich and poor in America.
“It’s
always been a bit of a circus, but now the clowns are the ringmasters,” said another
unnamed and moderately interested Castorian government official. “They kind of
let the lions out the cage this year with all this uber-isolationist stuff –
not just killing trade deals with their allies but Trade Wars !!, building walls of all kinds around their society, pumping
up the pollution, and squashing the diversity and freedoms that really were the
only things they had going for them.”
The
official added that new U.S. tax legislation now makes it mathematically
impossible for that country to ever reduce its debt and address social issues
in any substantive way.
“If their economy grew, wealth would shift to the sectors and interests that pay no tax - so the federal revenues would be impacted inversely,” he said. “To assert otherwise would defy the laws of physics – I say that notwithstanding the effort to repeal those laws down there.”
“If their economy grew, wealth would shift to the sectors and interests that pay no tax - so the federal revenues would be impacted inversely,” he said. “To assert otherwise would defy the laws of physics – I say that notwithstanding the effort to repeal those laws down there.”
With
victory at hand, Castorians are preparing to shift the focus from trying to ignore
the economic and social devastation below its southern border to trying to
ignore the challenge of mopping up. This week’s planning
session also recognized the need to transition to a post-U.S.-centric era: one of
not doing much about other things.
Confronted
by reporters on Parliament Hill, the Prime Minister responded to
questions about the potential victory over the U.S. by standing back and saying
nothing about that subject.
He
did, however, note that his country now faced a greater threat.
“Smugness.”
