The Great 2018 Hockey Scandal


NHL Defenseman accused of intentionally trying to be interesting/generous  


(February 2018) Today in New York, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman said that the League would be taking steps to restore its reputation in the wake of media reports that he termed “on par with the Great Black Sox Scandal and the 1919 World Series.”

“Not that this has anything to do with Black things or colored socks or actually any fancy clothing or sense of style,” Bettman added. “It’s just all very disturbing and threatening to the business of hockey.”

Without naming a specific player or incident, Bettman’s comments made it clear that the League governors were seized by the growing popularity of a particular defenseman whose off-ice actions included work that did not involve the exchange of money and in fact, sometimes, meant the deliberate transfer of funds to parties without the expectation of anything in return.  Talk of “good will” and the “joy of helping others” were among the allegations levelled by the player’s accusers.

 “These activities would in themselves be a cause for concern,” stuttered Bettman. “But they are coupled with a flamboyance and flagrant disregard for the League’s reputation as a dull, plodding and predictable money-centric institution.”

The player’s behavior also threatens to disrupt the paradigm of tribalism that requires fans to dislike players from opposing teams and to suspect others not like them.   In this respect, the accused evidently breached the NHL Code of Conduct which dictates the practices for media interviews and requires monotone, cliché commentary, followed by exhaling and references to rivalries with other teams and the tough third period.

“We do not want to cause panic, but we fear this player’s behavior could spill over into civil society,” said Bettman. “Who knows where this could lead – greater healthcare, help for the homeless, cuts in subsidies for professional sports facilities, and taxation !!”

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Full Text of President's "I have a brain" speech

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Tweeting in the shadow of
the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. - January 2018


"I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest – and most big demonstration of mental fitness in the history of our nation.

Five score or something like seventy years ago, I began my life with two great assets – well lotsa dad’s money – but also mental stability and being, like, really smart for a baby, which I was then – and when I wasn’t like being a very, very successful, not very bankrupt businessman - and a TV star with ratings like have never been seen before in the history of TV  – and I’m talking about hundreds of years – even before America defeated the Indians and Mexicans to make our country.

So, now we have Crooked Hillary Clinton - who went down in flames with more votes than me – and now comparing me to Ronald Reagan by not saying stuff  - whom I compare quite well with - thank you very much. 

What was I saying ?

Oh yeah, mental fitness.

I wanna say to you today, especially all of your losers who hate me, that despite what you read in books, newspapers, my tweets, and transcripts and things, I have a brain.

It is a very fine, very, very American brain – without equal – because no one is equal to my very stable brain – or equal to my body which has my brain in it.

Did I say I have a brain today ?

So, Hillary can go back to her university, go back to Obama, go back to her crooked home in Crooked Hillary land, and forget about ever seeing my brain because it’s mine and not hers – she lost, I won. There. Proof.  See no Russian collusion – fake news, total hoax.

But they keep screaming and screaming it – it drives me crazy – I am so stable, I am stable.

I have a brain, I have a brain, I have a brain. 

But the fake news rings in my head. 

The Fake news rings – The fake news rings.

God almighty how long will it last."  

Canada prepares for Victory in long War with United States


 (January 1, 2018)

Canadian government officials met in Ottawa this week to determine whether their country could reasonably declare victory in the extended struggle with its once powerful southern neighbor. 

For several decades, Canada has led an international coalition seeking to regain economic and political territory from the U.S. under a calibrated plan to, as one senior strategist put it, “stand back and let the Americans destroy themselves.”

“Denying each other health care, selling guns to anyone who wants one, engaging in endless military adventures, politics built on racism, reality TV, and institutionalized poverty,” the unnamed official said. “These forces have been gaining ground against American interests for years, but in the last twelve months, they combined with others to make a significant and likely permanent breakthrough.”

The “Stand-back-and-do-Nothing” approach has been a core Canadian principle since the country’s founding 150 years ago, but the strategy required determination while witnessing the devastation of unregulated subprime mortgages, mass shootings targeting children, a heaving U.S. national debt driven by paranoia, borrowing for investments in the apparatus of destruction, and the unmitigated and growing divide between rich and poor in America.

“It’s always been a bit of a circus, but now the clowns are the ringmasters,” said another unnamed and moderately interested Canadian government official. “They kind of let the lions out the cage this year with all this uber-isolationist stuff – killing trade deals with their allies, building walls of all kinds around their society, pumping up the pollution, and squashing the diversity and freedoms that really were the only things they had going for them.”

The official added that new U.S. tax legislation now makes it mathematically impossible for that country to ever reduce its debt and address social issues in any substantive way. 

“If their economy grew, wealth would shift to the sectors and interests that pay no tax - so the federal revenues would be impacted inversely,” he said. “To assert otherwise would defy the laws of physics – I say that notwithstanding the effort to repeal those laws down there.”

With victory at hand, Canadians are preparing to shift the focus from trying to ignore the economic and social devastation below its southern border to trying to ignore the challenge of mopping up.  This week’s planning session also recognized the need to transition to a post-U.S.-centric era: one of not doing much about other things.

Confronted by reporters on Parliament Hill, the Canadian Prime Minister responded to questions about the potential victory over the U.S. by standing back and saying nothing about that subject.

He did, however, note that his country now faced a greater threat.

“Smugness.”